While Clint Eastwood was widely expected to be the surprise guest speaker at the final night of the Republican National Convention, sources have indicated that it will actually be noted Republican and Dark Lord, Satan. Satan is expected to rally the base by touching on various themes that are popular with Republicans, including pushing grandmothers off of cliffs, hating minorities, and letting poor people die. “I owe so much of my success to an early pact with him” Presidential nominee Mitt Romney said in reference to Satan. Paul Ryan declined comment on the selection of the Dark Lord to speak, but his eyes began to glow a deep red.
TAMPA – Following various weather reports it is now clear that Hurricane Issac is on track to stimulate the economy. According to Nobel laureate Paul Krugman, who was seen earlier today in the gulf summoning the storm, this could be a huge boom to the housing and construction industry. When asked about the human loss associated with the storms, Krugman stated “in the long run we are all dead.”
Krugman said he wished the storm had slammed into Tampa to stop the evil Republicans from plotting against the American people by
cutting government spending, slowing the growth of spending, but Krugman noted that the gulf needed more economic stimulus at this time.
I MUST REQUEST YOUR MOST URGENT CONFIDENTIALLITY ON THIS MATTER. I AM PRESIDENT OF UNITED S OF A. AND IF DO NOT GET $500 HUNDRED MILION OUR PRECOUS NATION WILL BE OVERRUN BY EVIL WARLORD ROMNEE. PLEASE DO HELP ME AND I WILL REWARD WITH FREE SEX PILS AND ABORTONS.
WE ARE TOP OFFICIAL IN VERY SPECIAL GOVERNMENT OFFICE AND IF YOU DO NOT GIVE ME ONLY AS SMALL AS $THREE DOLLARS I WILL BE UNABLE TO FIGHT THE REVELLION. MISTER ROMNEE IS VERY BAD MAN AND WILL TAKE YOUR MONEY AND HIDE IT IN CAYMAN ISLAND BANK ACOUNT. HE WILL MAKE ALL OF US WHO DO NOT WORK FOR INVESTMENT BANKING SLAVE TO THE ONE%PERCENT.
IN MOST IMPORTANT TERRITORIES MITTENS HAS MORE MONEY AND TEEVEE COMMERCIALS THAN WE DOES. IF PEOPLE HERE HIS MESSAGE OF SMALLER GOVERMENT, THEY WILL NOT POSSIBLY VOTE FOR ME. HE WILL ALSO TELL PEOPLE I RUIN ECONOMY EVEN THOUGH WE ALL NO THAT IS GEORGE BUSH’S FAULT.
MOST CRITICALLY MY PARTNER BIDEN IS UNCAPABLE OF SUSTAINING A LONGTERM CAMPAIGN FOR THIS MOST SACRED OFFICE. HE FORGETS WHAT CENTURIE IT IS AND MAKES FUNNY VOICES WHEN HE WALKS INTO THE SEVEN 11.
NEW BRITAIN, CT—Calling him the “best person to lead this nation forward,” the editors of The Recorder, Central Connecticut State University’s student newspaper, officially endorsed Barack Obama for president in a front-page editorial this week.
Titled “Our Choice For Tomorrow,” the 600-word endorsement—which follows recent staff editorials on late-night student shuttle service and expanding the use of DevilDollars meal-plan credits to off-campus eateries—carefully lays out why Obama would serve the nation better than Mitt Romney, whom the newspaper called a “worthy candidate” but not the one most qualified to serve in “the highest post in the land.”
Not quite the “Garbage” classic,
Clark’s classmates offered their support with nods of agreement, even as one student tried to challenge the intellectual argument that Clark was making. Classmates backed up Clark’s argument with long eye rolls, speaking under their breathe and vague comments in support of Clark’s argument.
Upon being asked about his economic background, Clark stated that he didn’t need economic courses, because the “bourgeoisie” has falsely created these perceptions and that their studies “only exist to maintain the status quo.”
“We’re on the right side of history,” Clark said, as he stood outside speaking to classmates after class. “I just can’t understand why people haven’t realized this sooner.”
Professor Jeff McDaniels stated, “I don’t agree with everything Clark was saying, but I’ve found I’d rather listen to him than some of the libertarians and teabaggers that come in here.”
When asked what he was planned on doing with his future, Clark said, “I’d really like to be a Political Science professor, really make a difference in what these kids think, because in the end the youth are going to be what shape public policy in this nation.”
Today’s most patriotic video:
Lyrical preview: “Healthcare is a right! Medicare’s a must! Don’t let rogue Republicans betray that trust!”
As seen here.
The Romney/Ryan campaign is prepping new publications for their campaign to hand out door-to-door to insure Democratic seniors that everything will be ok.
In response we Obama lovers have began giving out copies of “50 Shades of Grey” to show how Romney/Ryan intends to shackle you.
Yesterday Joe Biden made statements about Romney putting the American people “back in chainz,” to a predominately black audience.
However, in an exclusive interview with Paul Ryan, Congressman Ryan shared his confusion and frustration, “Me and Romney were both surprised to hear that there is such a sharp rebuke against the rapper 2 Chainz. Frankly we’re big fans and have been thumping his record on the campaign bus since he dropped his album.” Congressman Ryan and Former Governor Romney say that while they are for an open dialogue on music tastes that Joe Biden, “is so white.”
“We were ordering thousands of copies to sell 2 Chainz’s new album on our campaign website, but we have since changed our strategy” said Romney Press Secretary Andrea Saul. Romney later stated that “We think the voters really need focus on what’s important this election, and that’s getting that ‘punk ass buster’ Obama out of office.”