WASHINGTON – In a picture we don’t see every day, a bipartisan commission ruled today that the new Obama “Forward” music video “is one of the worst music videos ever created.” In an official statement, the commission of 5 Republicans and 5 Democrats said the video “shows how music is in steady decline.” In their closing remarks it was said that “We’d rather listen to a wind chime in a metal garbage can rolling down the hill and running into a flock of geese dubbed over the movie Gigli.”
The Obama campaign quickly receded their music video and apologized for the mishap, and stated that they would “continue to focus on attacking people who make money and lie about Libya.”
Romney began making fun of the new video by singing “God Bless America” out of tune.
(NASHVILLE) A local man has reportedly died of alcohol poisoning after playing a debate drinking game in which you take a shot every time one of the candidates lies. Instead of going the traditional route of catch phrases and verbs, the man went into expecting more out of politicians. “He was an Independent, just trying to find the answers in this messed up world,” said an onlooker. “He was watching MSNBC and started drinking a little early, but still that was just 2 or 3 shots,” said the man’s roommate. The 25 year old man had just lost his job with a local factory and was looking to vote for Romney according to reports; but no since he is now dead, he might vote for Obama, as the Democrats continue to cater to the deceased demographic.
CHICAGO – As print newspapers struggle to find readership, the Obama campaign has turned to online media to find those swing voters late in the election. One campaign volunteer stated that the only time he had used a newspaper was to cover a homeless man who was clearly violating the community ordinance about being poor.
Following the great success of the 2004 dive into social media by Joe Trippi, and again in 2008, the campaign feels that there is still much ground left uncovered. So in many key swing states the campaign has deployed the ironically named “death panels” to seek out online obituaries and turn them into Obama voters.
WASHINGTON: An anonymous group has proposed that we all start drawing Muhammad (anonymously, they aren’t crazy) on things you dislike. To quote the anonymous person, “stop following me around.”
Here are some proposals the group has proposed in a recent proposal:
Upon hearing about these plans by a group President Obama and his administration have already begun to blame free speech for the repercussions of dropping bombs on
innocent civilians terrorists.
Last night President Obama gave a moving speech and addressed some pressing issues, including the economy. Surprising was his mention of his “kill list,” indefinite detainment of citizens & non-citizens, and 4th Amendment violations. Here’s what he had to say:
The media’s reaction to Obama’s kill list and the likes was also very poignant last night, let’s have a look at the AP report:
CHARLOTTE – As we lead into the Democratic National Convention, we have learned that Honey Boo Boo and crew at going to address the convention pleading for Congress and the President to pass legislation that grants free access to birth control and sex education for primary school students.
A DNC spokesman said of the Toddlers and Tiara parents, “these are the type of people who show that rugged individualism doesn’t work, like…what the fuck are these parents thinking?” However, instead of denouncing TLC for picking up these god awful parents, the DNC and DNC speaker Sandra Fluke see another alternative. “Clearly what these kids need is sex education and access to free birth control,” said Fluke.
Honey Boo Boo is well renowned among closet pedophiles across the nation, who are able to tune in and see a six year old being sexually exploited on TLC. “Why risk going in chat rooms or surf newsgroups only to get busted by that guy on NBC, when I can just tune into TLC” said one anonymous pervert who lives across the street from you.
“She’s six” said one woman who just so happens to hate women’s rights, “Fluke is complaining about a joke referring to dropping condoms instead of balloons on her…when there are shows on TV that show kids being sexually exploited? Women’s rights don’t start when you hit puberty!
Ed Schultz and Rachel Maddow unanimously agreed that Honey Boo Boo is a national treasure for standing up for women’s reproductive rights, though they do think that she is being subjected to child labor.
“No one loves me,” said Honey Boo Boo’s mother, who was too busy eating a raw ham and counting the money TLC tosses at her to conduct a full interview.
In 2010, Barney Frank famously debated a dining room table at a “Town Hall” meeting, turning conventional wisdom furniture had no political views on its head. Where was I going with this? Anyhow, Clint Eastwood isn’t the first person to debate furniture.