Top 5 Replacement Ideas for Fox’s Huckabee

The former Republican Governor of Arkansas announced Saturday that he will end his weekly show to mull another presidential run.

Here are our top 5 ideas for replacing Mike Huckabee

Number 5

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A cured ham

Number 4

A Rabbit

A Rabbit

Number 3

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American Cheese (only American)

Number 2

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A painting of a Unicorn (not an actual unicorn)

Number 1

A can of Corned Beef

A can of Corned Beef

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46 times BuzzFeed totally fucked up my quiz results

  • Screen-Shot-2013-09-12-at-9.12.24-AMWhat Is Your Most Underrated Quality?
    • What is this, some sort of sick joke? I’m totally a good listener.
  • Which Jennifer Lawrence Movie Character Are You?
    • Ree from Winter’s Bone, are you fucking kidding me?! I’m definitely Katniss Everdeen, get it together
  • Which “Game Of Thrones” Villain Are You?
    • Roose Bolton? Roose Bolton!?!
  • Which Foreign Actor Is Your Soulmate?
    • If it’s not Ryan Gosling, it’s wrong, if it’s not Ryan Gosling, it’s wrong…Godfrey Gao? 5 seconds ago I didn’t even know this person existed. I will retake this quiz until I get Ryan Gosling.
  • How April Ludgate Are You?
    • “You’re not very April at all.” Not very April at all? BuzzFeed are you drunk? I’m not going to check all of your stupid boxes, my answer was “Who cares.” I’m so April Ludgate that I’m not even going to finish this stupid list. This is dumb.

 

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Elizabeth Warren decries oil speculators as oil prices tumble

elizabeth-warren-APAs gas prices creep toward the $2 a gallon mark, Democratic U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren is calling on Washington to take action against oil speculators who many experts blame for the plummeting price of gas.

“We should be doing more to protect consumers from highly volatile gas prices,” said Warren, who is currently has no plans to run for President, but might. “Average gas prices in Massachusetts are nearly $2.15 a gallon, down 10 cents from last week, and the falling costs are forcing already hard-pressed alternative energy providers to try to stretch their incomes even more.”

An oil future is a contract between a buyer and seller under which an agreement is crafted to purchase oil at a fixed price of what it is speculated to cost down the road. Uncertainty among central banks, as the U.S. looks to raise rates next year, and China attempts to lower rates is one factor causing excessive speculation, in the oil market, according to some experts.

Warren pointed out that under the Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform legislation and the Consumer Protection Act of 2010, the Commodities Futures Trading Commission has the ability to investigate and take action if inappropriate behavior is found to be driving prices lower.

She said that although it is a “step in the right direction,” the regulations haven’t been fully implemented.

Elizabeth Warren“It is time to take stronger action to address excessive oil speculation,” Warren said in a statement. “Speculators are driving down the price of oil, allowing consumers to pad their pockets while alternative energy providers suffer. We need to implement tougher rules to limit excessive speculation.”

Advocates of the law, like Warren, say enforcing Dodd-Frank will prevent excessive speculation from squeezing alternative energy providers while consumers gain from decade low oil prices.

“Wall Street’s army of lobbyists is dead set against efforts to help rein in oil speculation,” Warren said in a press release. “It is time to fight back. Regulators should stand tough, and Congress should consider further action to strengthen the CFTC’s ability to limit excessive speculation.”

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Sony Pictures threatens to release Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 if demands not met

Paul-Blart-Mall-Cop-2In a retaliatory move against the North Korean regime, Sony Pictures announced today that it will unleash Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 in the Spring of 2015.

Many people had feared that such a move would forever escalate the situation and do irreparable damage to the world’s relationship with the communist regime.

“Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 perfectly represents the antithesis to the communist economy” said economist Jim Schwartz. “The movie is a bad rehash of worn out ideas, that rests its entire profitability on the shoulders of Kevin James; and yet there is no doubt that it will turn a profit due to the capitalist economy giving people enough disposable income that they can blow it on horrible films. Meanwhile Kim Jung Un is lucky if he takes a piss with the lights on.”

Sony Pictures has demanded that North Korea, “chill out dude, it’s just a movie.”

At the time of writing, experts believe that Sony is already working on Paul Blart: Mall Cop 3 because “fuck it.”

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Miss Me Yet?

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Journalism professor upset AP Twitter hackers didn’t use AP style in tweet

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Nashville – An “old school” journalism professor at a local university went on a 45 minute rant today to point out that the Associated Press’s Twitter account didn’t use correct AP Style when its account was hacked earlier today.

“Look at this! Look at this!” As he held up a copy of the 2013 edition of the AP Stylebook, “do you know what this means? It’s the Bible of our trade and craft, and here we are, the internet is ruining it! First it took my job, and now it’s taking away the things I teach?” The professor reportedly spent the remaining class time quietly sobbing into a copy of today’s local newspaper.

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Dianne Feinstein calls for ban on high capacity pressure cookers

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WASHINGTON – Late Tuesday evening Senator Dianne Feinstein called for stiffer regulations on pressure cookers, and calling for bans on “high capacity” pressure cookers in particular. This proposal comes on the back of the tragic terror attack on Boston.

In a press statement Feinstein stated that “no one needs a pressure cooker larger than 6 quarts, I’ve watched enough ‘Top Chef’ and ‘Rachel Ray’ to know that there is no need for these high capacities. I am for cookware rights, I have a kitchen myself, but we have to come together as a nation to stop the terror inflicted by ‘cooker crimes.'”

Feinstein may face stiff opposition, with Sarah Palin tweeting to her followers, “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen #tcot.” Other opponents weighed in on Twitter, one opining that “Feinstein can pry my pressure cooker from my cold dead pot holders.”

Despite various opponents on both sides of the aisle, Feinstein gained cosponsor John McCain, who added a jab aimed at his fellow conservatives by tweeting “Only the most deluded of us could doubt the necessity of this ban. #neverforget.” Asked if the White House would also push for a ban at a press conference, Joe Biden said, “my wife cooks, it’s not my problem.”

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Sequester Death Watch: Live Ticker

Checkout our live ticker here

SEQUESTERDEATHS

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Michael Bloomberg orders drone strike on suspected ‘food terrorist’

Food terrorist
(NEW YORK) During Kentucky Senator Rand Paul’s filibuster attempting to shed light on drone policy, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg ordered an NYPD drone to take out a suspected “food terrorist.”

“We have reason to believe that there was a smuggling operation of 7-11 Big Gulps and salt shakers,” said Bloomberg in a press briefing following the strike. He continued, “There are serious dangers to large sodas and salt shakers, dangers that could potentially kill innocent Americans.” This is the first known U.S. drone strike on U.S. soil to address the problem of domestic food terrorists. The White House released a statement shortly after the attack stating that, “this is a perfect example of an ‘imminent threat,’ this falls well within the reasonable constitutional grounds outlined by Eric Holder’s reply to Senator Paul.”

Many people on Twitter have posted their support for Michael Bloomberg and the Obama administration, with blogger Andrew Sullivan opining “who are we to question the President on this matter? I trust our government to do what is right in this regard.” The New York Times has released a mock-up of their front page regarding Bloomberg as a hero, while attacking Senator Paul for his self indulgent love of candy and soda pop.

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El Besto coveragatos of el hurricanine Sandy

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